19 and about to enter hell

July 22, 2015

I had an abortion at the age of 19. I was dating a young man who had said he would marry me. But I had a father who suffered greatly with manic depression and was also abusive emotionally and, in certain circumstances, physically. I knew, and it was re-iterated by my mother, that being pregnant would result in my father “killing me”. My fear was not just that, but also that he would take it out on my mother, who was usually the brunt of his anger. I always wanted to protect my younger sister who has Down syndrome. I felt I had no choice. 

I don’t even know how the abortion happened. I have a vague memory of seeing a listing of an abortion facility. And before I knew it my boyfriend was driving me to the facility. 

There were people with signs, and I felt like I was the worst person in the world about to enter hell. The abortion facility was a very stark, impersonal place. They asked me to take a urine test to see if I was pregnant, and all I could think was, “why would I be in a horrible place like this if I wasn’t”. Then I remember being in this large white empty room with just a table with stirrups, a woman, and the doctor. The windows were large and nothing was covering them. Looking at the ceiling, I started crying, and I actually began to sing “I don’t know how to love him” from a popular musical. I was singing to God, because I knew I wasn’t loving Him, or me. I was crying out to Him as I felt my baby being sucked out of my insides and experiencing tremendous pain.  I was then moved to another room with other women, hearing them crying. I changed back into my clothes and got out of there as soon as I could.

24 years later, a friend told me that Rachel’s Vineyard was starting in my area to help women experiencing trauma after abortion. She was wondering if I would help market the ministry since I was in the marketing business. I agreed to help and then called the number she gave me. 

That is when the healing began. 

It is not the type of healing that happens through talk therapy. I had years of that. The memories of the abortion that came back to me when I began with my journey with Rachel’s Vineyard never occurred in talk therapy. My abortion was never even brought up or asked about. Even in spiritual direction when I acknowledged my abortion with a new acquaintance for the first time, I did not experience any healing. On the Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat, I experienced real healing for the first time. And the journey continues -- in group support, prayer groups, and retreats. All of which would not have happened as profoundly as it has without the retreat. 

By MLH, Rachel’s Vineyard™ Retreatant  #inherwords #thereishopeandhealing

Are you or someone you know suffering from a past abortion? 

There is hope.  There is healing.  We can help.  www.racheldallas.org

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